I will begin todays post with sincerity … with honesty: I don’t know where to start, which words to use, how to paint the perfect picture – so that you, reading this post, can sense the silhouette of my fear, hidden in the depths; hidden behind layers of fragile walls not stronger than feather, but I guess that I have to start somewhere, so here it goes.
We all have fears – there’s not one single human being living on this planet who can claim to be fearless; fearless only exist in the world of terminology; it is something like a myth. Even though our individuality generates the different type of fears within our souls, we somehow unify around one specific type of fear: Death.
The majority of the world – not all of us, I’m aware of this – fear death; maybe because death reminds us of the fact that we’re here on borrowed time. How long we individually are given remains unknown, but one thing is certain: We are all going to leave at some point; but … what comes after death? I guess that’s the question most of us wish to know and maybe even fear to some extend. Or, actually, the right question might even be: what if there isn’t anything after death. What if Michael Jackson nailed it with the name of his world tour: This is it. – What if this is it?
However, death isn’t what I fear. You may claim that it’s easy to say such things when one sits in his room in secure surroundings, but I promise you that if you sat down with me and took the time to get to know the essence of my being, you would know that I’m not lying; I don’t fear death. So what do I fear?
Before I reveal my biggest fear – before I reveal my only fear, I want to emphasize the importance of the people whom I love deeply; The people who love me for who I am, the people who have never abandoned me despite what society asked of them, the people who without hesitation would give their life for me, just as I would do the same for them: you know who you are. So, why am I telling you this, dear reader? Well, I’m telling you this because at some point I actually thought that my biggest fear was to leave these amazing people the day of my last breath; to cause them pain, suffering and tears. The thought of putting them through such a struggle is unbearable. I guess I’ve convinced myself that they would survive – they might not forget immediately but they would eventually have to accept the loss.
So when did this fear get less significant? What could possibly be more scary? Well …
Today ‘Life’ told me that I should prepare myself – It revealed the path that it had chosen for me; it told me that I wasn’t among the people who would pass much more than the fifties, if I was lucky I might reach sixty, but I shouldn’t get my hopes up. Today ‘Life’ took a swing at me and hit right in the heart – it blew out my air. In this desperate moment I realized what my biggest – most honest – fear was: Time. I fear that I won’t have enough time to achieve my humble dream of becoming a well-known writer. I don’t want you to understand ‘Well-known’ as a synonym for ‘famous’, because those are two different things. What I mean by ‘well-known’ is that I seek enough time to write beautiful novels, Essays, short stories and poems, so that when I take my last breath, people will remember me as someone more than ‘just’ a man who lived at some point in the human timeline. What I’m trying to say is: My biggest fear is to be forgotten. I fear that my loved ones will forget me; I fear that my grandchildren will have a vague memory of the essence of my being; I fear that the world won’t appreciate the passion I have for writing and literature; I fear that I will be forgotten.
Maybe life will surprise me – maybe I will end up as Edgar Allan Poe – one of the greatest writers ever to have lived, but remember that he wasn’t always seen this way. His writings didn’t get the same admiration back then, as they do today. It was only when people carefully read his novels, poems, they understood his depth and passion for the art of writing; they made sure that he always would be remembered – and never forgotten.
I wonder if they will do the same for me when I am to leave this humble life?
– One can only hope, even though hope is the greatest illusion ever to have existed.